


let me be the salt in your wounds

by Hormonal_Trashbag



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Mental Health Issues, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, Neighbors AU, Rey has anxiety, anxiety and depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-24
Updated: 2019-12-05
Packaged: 2021-02-17 22:54:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21551104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hormonal_Trashbag/pseuds/Hormonal_Trashbag
Summary: He was tall, that was what struck her first and foremost. Tall and bulky with gentle looking features. His lips were too soft, his eyes too round. He quietly asked if she needed help and Rey--as she always did--refused to accept anyone’s pity. She had gotten herself this far on her own, she was more than capable of bringing up a few heavy moving boxes on her own.He’d nodded without a word, continuing on his way. It was only as she was setting her box on the kitchen counter of her new space that she realized neither of them had bothered to introduce themselves.That was two years ago, and Rey still didn’t know much about her towering neighbor. He was a runner, and often went for his jogs at five in the morning in nothing but a pair of athletic shorts. He went to work well-dressed, though what sort of career he had was beyond her. His name was Ben, short and sweet and to the point.But what puzzled her most of all was that Ben was a player.
Relationships: Finn/Rose Tico, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 83
Kudos: 423





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Ok. So. I know I have a million wip, some of which haven't been posted yet. I know I should be trying to work on those instead. BUT. I couldn't get this idea out of my head and I'm almost done with the second chapter so it should be finished in a timely manner. Hopefully.

She noticed him the day she moved into her quaint, brownstone walk-up apartment. It had been built sometime in the forties and had only a series of narrow stairs to get up to her third-floor flat. Rey had been ambling up the steps with a box of books much too large for her to see around, and he had been at the top of the staircase, waiting with his hands in his pockets for her to pass.

He was tall, that was what struck her first and foremost. Tall and bulky with gentle looking features. His lips were too soft, his eyes too round. He quietly asked if she needed help and Rey--as she always did--refused to accept anyone’s pity. She had gotten herself this far on her own, she was more than capable of bringing up a few heavy moving boxes on her own.

He’d nodded without a word, continuing on his way. It was only as she was setting her box on the kitchen counter of her new space that she realized neither of them had bothered to introduce themselves.

That was two years ago, and Rey still didn’t know much about her towering neighbor. He was a runner, and often went for his jogs at five in the morning in nothing but a pair of athletic shorts. He went to work well-dressed, though what sort of career he had was beyond her. His name was Ben, short and sweet and to the point.

But what puzzled her most of all was that Ben was a player. Rey didn’t snoop into his business but it was hard not to notice the plethora of women he invited to his apartment. Sometimes it was just the dainty Asian girl with stylish hair and broad smiles that stopped by. Other times it was a slender brunette with long hair and sharp eyes, or the statuesque blond woman with piercing blue eyes and four-inch heels. And sometimes, there would be a whole group of them, laughing their way down the hall and disappearing with him in his apartment. She didn’t like to think about what they must do together but Rey couldn’t deny being curious.

Not that she would be able to pursue an open relationship with him--not that he seemed to even notice her existence--Rey knew herself well enough to recognize she wasn’t the sharing type. Eventually, this silly little crush would absolve. Eventually.

Rey sighed to herself, lounging on her ratty couch as she overheard Ben and his  _ harem  _ trickle past her door. In an attempt to block out their laughter, she lazily lifted her TV remote to turn up the volume on reruns of  _ Scrubs.  _ She couldn’t help but feel stupid for caring at all.

When she woke the next day, every door on their floor had a neon orange flyer taped to it, covered in Halloween clipart and bold letters inviting her to a costume party. At the bottom it read: 

_ RSVP with Ben, 917-XXX-XXXX. _

She stuffed the flyer into her purse, rushing off to get her morning coffee fix before she started her shift at  _ Plutt’s Hardware and Repair.  _ It was going to be another grueling day of fixing anything from microwaves to laptops, and the last thing she needed was Plutt getting on her case for being distracted.

It was only on the subway after a day of being barked at by her blobfish of a boss did she pull the flyer back out of her purse.

Hopping from home to home in the foster system had left little room for celebrating holidays or dressing up for fun. Rey couldn’t recall having ever gone trick-or-treating as a girl, and her foster parents had never bothered to pay the expense for costumes. She had grown up knowing days like Halloween, Easter, or Christmas were supposed to inspire excitement, but after spending every holiday alone, she had learned that--like belonging to a family--it was never meant for her.

What was the point of celebrating now? Halloween didn’t mean anything to her. It never had.

She frowned, unable to imagine what she could dress up as. Besides, she wasn’t the partying type, Rey told herself. She would end up standing in the corner and watching the festivities from the sidelines. It seemed so pointless.

The only reason she would have to go to the party was to see Ben, and Rey had no doubt he’d have his hands full with all his lady friends. When she finally got home, she threw the flyer down the garbage shoot. She stared up at her ceiling for a long time that night before drifting into fitful sleep.

...

“Hey,” a deep, rumbling voice called out from behind her. Rey nearly jumped out of her skin, dropping her mail onto the lobby floor in surprise.

She hurried to gather up her bills and was startled when a second pair of large hands joined hers in collecting her mail.

“Sorry,” Ben uttered, looking a little shocked. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“No,” Rey breathed. “It’s okay. Thanks for the help.”

She clutched her mail to her chest as if to create a shield between them. For a moment they simply stared at each other, uncertain of what to say.

“I…” Ben hesitated. “I was wondering if you were planning to come to the Halloween party? It’s--It’s just so I have everything ready for the right number of people, you know?”

He shrugged with uncertainty.

All she could say was, “Oh.”

“It should be a lot of fun...my friend Rose always makes this crazy punch with severed hands and eyeballs that’s almost pure vodka and my cousin was planning to bring his stereo system so there’ll be dancing and stuff,” he rambled, running one of his large hands through silky, dark hair. “I was hoping you’d be able to come if...if you can.”

“Um.”

“You don’t have to come, I’m sure you have better plans than a house party, but everyone in the building will be there--”

“It’s not that,” she interrupted. “I’ve just never celebrated Halloween. You and your friends probably don’t need me there to cramp your style.”

“Okay,” he answered slowly, his shoulders dipping as if he was disappointed. “Well. If you change your mind, let me know.”

Her next day off, she happened to pass a pop-up costume store on a walk and decided to just give it a look-through. There were so many short skirts and low tops and wigs in every color and Rey left shortly after. She wasn’t going to just show up unannounced in some slutty outfit. This situation was embarrassing enough as it was without her being a cliche.

…

It was almost eight o’clock and already Rey could hear the familiar beat of  _ Spooky Scary Skeletons  _ being blasted on repeat at full volume. Whoever was in charge of the playlist at Ben’s party must have already gotten into the punch.

Rey flopped onto her side, glaring at her TV. She should put some earplugs in and head to bed early. Nothing good was on anyway. As she struggled five minutes later to find the motivation to stand up, someone knocked on her door.

Rey groaned, finally forcing herself to get up. She dreaded finding Ben on the other side, dressed up and ready to party while here she was, sulking in her pajamas, nowhere to go and nothing to do.

But it wasn’t Ben standing out in the hallway.

Rey instantly recognized the Asian girl on the other side, dressed in a prim Wednesday Addams costume with sleek, black braids. 

“You’re Rey, right?”

Rey nodded dumbly. “Can I help you?”

“I’m Rose,” she grinned, giving Rey a brief look-over. “Benny’s said so much about you, I was disappointed to see you hadn’t joined us yet.”

“Wha--seriously?”

What could Ben have to say about her? They’ve barely spoken! She wasn’t sure how he even knew her name. Didn’t he have enough women in his little harem to juggle?!

“Of course! He won’t shut up about you. So, what’s the hold-up?” 

Rey didn’t have the chance to process that before Rose was quickly continuing on.

“Did you get a costume?” she asked. Rose must have recognized the panic that flashed hot in her chest because she assure a second later, “That’s no problem.”

Rose stole Rey’s hand and led her back into the apartment. “Trust me, I’m  _ amazing  _ at last-minute Halloween. Anything can be a costume if you pair it right. I didn’t know who I was going to dress up as until this afternoon!”

Rey’s mouth flapped uselessly, unable to slow the woman who, despite her short stature, certainly had a will of her own. She followed Rose into her own bedroom, watching helplessly as she threw open her closet to inspect its insides.

Rose nodded after mentally cataloging what was available. Abruptly, she asked, “You’ve seen the new  _ Galaxy Wars  _ trilogy, right?”

“Of course, but I don’t see how--”

Rose pulled out a pair of khaki capris she had for work and a long, beige scarf.

“You can be Kira!” She announced, next pulling out a white tank top and the pair of knock-off Uggs Rey had collected pennies for in high school--the ones she couldn’t seem to get rid of because it had meant so much to own them.

Rey caught the clothing when Rose tossed it to her and insisted, “This is going to be perfect! Put those on and I’ll do your hair!”

Rose left the room in a flurry, and for a moment, Rey stood there flabbergasted by the entire experience. With a sigh, she stepped out of her pajamas and put on the outfit chosen for her. When she joined Rose in the living room, she clapped enthusiastically with a squeal.

“My god, you could be Kira’s twin, girl.”

In a matter of minutes, Rose had whipped her hair into an elaborate, three-bun style that exposed the slender length of her neck. Before she could make an objection (because this was entirely too crazy for her to handle) Rey was being guided down the hall and into Ben’s apartment.

His flat was fairly neat, despite the ongoing party, and crowded with superheroes and ghouls and sexy devils. Everyone seemed so well put-together and Rey instantly felt out of place with all these people that belonged here.

Then she saw him, towering above his guests even while leaning against his kitchen counter, all decked in black. A heavy, dark pit formed in her gut as Rey recognized who he was dressed up as.

Kylo Ren.

Kira’s villain to her heroine. The character who became Kira’s lover at the end of the trilogy. The one she’d probably have babies with so the franchise can continue for another money-making trilogy.

Oh god. Oh  _ fuck.  _ This was a setup, no matter how she looked at it. Seriously? What was wrong with these people?

She was about to take her chances and run for it when he noticed her. Ben stood straighter, his eyes widening in surprise as if he didn’t know she would be there. His companions turned to see what had captured his attention but he ignored them, approaching her with disbelief.

“I didn’t think you would come,” he murmured, his gaze roving her entire form. “You...you like  _ Galaxy Wars?” _

Rey shrugged. “Doesn’t everyone?”

He looked as if he were about to disagree, when the statuesque woman appeared, dressed in full, steel armor.

“Where did you stash my gin,” she demanded, and Ben pointed down the hall to a back room. 

Rey was instantly reminded that he had multiple girls who regularly visited his bedroom. It was like a bucket of ice being fed down her shirt, a physical shock jolting her. Why had she even come again? Upon further reflection, she decided this was a terrible mistake and she should have never left the safe comfort of her own home. Curse that Rose for being so damn pushy.

Ben turned back to her and she blurted, “I’m going to go get some of that famous punch your  _ friend  _ makes.”

In a whirl she sped away, crossing the room in a flurry with a straight projection for the table of goodies. Why did she have to sound so dorky? She was going to chug a few solo cups worth of punch and book it. It wasn’t as if she had any friends here, no one would notice her slipping out.

When she peeked over her shoulder, Ben was surrounded by a small clique of girls she didn’t recognize.

Whatever guilt she might have felt for leaving so rudely flowed out of her in a hitched breath.

She squeezed behind a pair of talking men to reach the punch bowl, spying the carved hands of ice and odd eyeballs floating through the blood-red concoction. Whatever. She was promised vodka.

She poured an overfull cup and threw back the drink, taking a long pull of alcohol. To her delight, it was the type of drink that completely disguised the flavor of vodka, a well-balanced mix of tart and sweet. The fruit-like eyeball bobbed in her cup and she snickered to herself. What insanity had she fallen into?

One of the men noticed her look and laughed. “Yeah, Rose goes all out for Halloween. It’s just a lychee with a blueberry stuffed in the middle, I promise. I watched her make them myself.”

She turned to the pair more fully and was met with a black man standing beside a smirking Latino.

“Poe Dameron,” the amused man introduced. “We noticed Ben laying his charms on thick earlier. I’d run for a drink too.”

The black man nudged him. “Rose likes him, that’s good enough for me.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. This sap is Finn. What brings you here tonight? I don’t think I’ve seen you around before.”

“Um, actually, Rose dragged me here,” Rey admitted. “I’m just a neighbor on this floor.”

Finn winced. “She has a way of making things happen.”

Rey laughed. “You’re telling  _ me!  _ I’ve only ever seen her in passing and she showed up at my place out of nowhere. I didn’t know what was happening until she had me dressed and out the door.”

“Ho,  _ ho,”  _ Poe said with a knowing tone, “You must be  _ that  _ neighbor.”

Rey was afraid to ask what that was supposed to mean. “Huh?”

“I swear,” Poe continued, shaking his head with a  _ tsk.  _ “Solo can be such a cliche. Of  _ course,  _ he had to get a massive cr--”

“Poe,” Finn interrupted, “you’re going to get us kicked out again if--”

“Dameron.” 

A trill of something--something hotter, heavier,  _ more _ than panic--ran up her spine at Ben’s barking voice behind her. She could feel his body heat consuming the air between them, leaving her breathless and much, much too close for comfort. That unfamiliar shiver dropped lower in a rush, suffusing the deepest parts of her with desire she shouldn’t feel for him.

Rey didn’t like this. This  _ game  _ that everyone seemed to be playing around her. She may have been a lot of things but a toy wasn’t one of them.

“I thought I put you on DJ duties, not on the committee for frightening neighbors off.”

Poe snorted, mumbling to himself something that sounded an awful lot like  _ you’d be the president. _

“You fired me ten minutes ago, remember? Besides, you can’t tell me not to have a conversation just because you don’t have the balls to ask a girl--”

Rey could  _ feel  _ the sear of Ben’s answering glare.

“I’m--I need the bathroom!” Rey blurted, slipping past Ben and avoiding his confused expression. “Your apartment has the same setup, right? I’ll just find it so, um, keep partying I guess?”

She literally ran away, a self-deprecating mantra of  _ you idiot  _ pulsing through her veins. Rey didn’t look where she was going, assuming Ben’s layout paralleled her own and barrelled straight into the first room on the left, unable to check if he’d watched her go. She didn’t think it would make her feel better if he  _ had. _

Rey slumped against the bathroom sink, all her energy leaving her in a final surge. Her reflection in the mirror was haggard at best and no amount of vodka was going to help now. Rey’s fingers trembled as she brushed them over the elaborate hairstyle Rose had twisted her mousy, brown locks into. It was too tight on her head. She felt taut all over, moments from snapping.

That terrible tightness she knew all too well clenched around her throat, forcing tears from her eyes as her breath caught. It was too much. She gasped, pulling her hair free with rough, stinging tugs that left the buns in disarray.

It was time to leave. No matter who stood in her way, she was going to get out of this place and back into the safety of her own apartment. 

Rey helplessly met the gaze of her teary reflection, despite knowing it would only hasten her hysteria. She was a mess and there would be no mistaking it. There was a room full of strangers that would see her at her lowest, her hair going in every which direction and mascara streaking down her pale cheeks. 

There was a knock on the bathroom door and Rey jumped, steadying herself against the sink.

“Rey, are you okay?” Ben’s voice came from the hall. “You’ve been in there for a while and--”

Another voice appeared beside his, one she instantly recognized. “Hey, Benny, how are things going? Have you seen--”

Rey heard a forceful shushing from Ben.

“Rey?” he repeated.

“I’m fine!” she squeaked, her voice unnaturally high. “I’ll just be a minute, so--so I’ll see you out there!”

She could hear his disappointed sigh and was only more mortified that Rose had to witness this shameful behavior as well.

“Come on big guy,” Rose comforted him, “I bet I can take your mind off things, let’s go in…”

Their voices trailed off as Rose took him elsewhere and that should have relieved Rey but it was just another reminder of why she shouldn’t be at this party, in his apartment, surrounded by people she didn’t know.

_ I can take your mind off things… _

Her face flushed at the implication, imagining all the surrid ways that Rose might distract him.

It shouldn’t bother Rey so much, she had already known what Ben got up to with all his girlfriends, but she closed her eyes against her vivid imaginings, struggling to pull herself together.

With a deep breath, she nudged open the bathroom door and slipped through the thin crack, shaking as she tried to straighten her clothing and hair. Most of it had fallen loose to hang around her shoulders, only one knot left unscathed at the crown of her head.

She had every intention of leaving that instant. But then she heard Rose’s gentle, soothing tones, leading further into Ben’s flat. 

“...I really thought she was into…”

“It doesn’t matter, it’s not like anyone would want--”

“--Come on, Benny, what did I say about being nicer to--”

Their muddled conversation fell away, Rey unable to hear anything above the rushing in her ears. From the hallway, she could see Ben crouched over the dainty woman, his arms coiled around her smaller form and her hands clutching Ben’s shoulders tight. And on Rose’s left hand, glistening as brightly as a flare, was a diamond ring.

“You’re engaged?”

The couple looked back at her in bewilderment.

She snarled at Ben, new betrayal twisting in her chest. “You have a  _ fiancee?!” _

He gaped down at her but Rey wouldn’t allow him to make excuses. 

“You have a fiancee! And that blond giant! And all those other girls that are always flitting in and out your apartment and--and--what? That’s not enough for you? You had to…” She tried so hard to not let the anguish show, to hold the traitorous tears that were always on the verge of escaping, but she couldn’t hold it in. “Why do you even need me for your stupid sex club? Did you see me on that first day and decide I’d be an easy target? Did you think that because I don’t have any family...that because I’m alone, no one would notice? That I wouldn’t care enough about myself that--that I’d let you use me up and spit me back out?”

His haunting, brown eyes widened in horror, the color leaving his face. “Rey--”

But Rey had already been wound up and like a music box, there was no slowing down this dissonant tune until the cogs stopped turning.

“Well, you’re wrong!” Rey roared. “I may just be that lonely, awkward girl that lives down the hall, but I still have feelings. Leave me out of your stupid fucking games! You have more than enough playthings to fuck.”

Chest heaving, her face dripping, she made a final, pathetic plea. “Just leave me alone.”

Rey didn’t notice the room full of eyes watching as she left, her vision blurred around the edges as she stomped away. She stayed as strong as she could, her back held straight until she fell into the dim peacefulness of her empty bedroom.

She collapsed in a heap of limbs, wishing she had never met Ben Solo.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the kudos and comments! I can't even say how much I value your feedback. There will be a smutty epilogue to follow within the next few days, so look forward to that! ;)

It was impossible to tear herself from the cocooning warmth of her bed for work the next morning. She might not have minded if the pounding headache splitting her brain in two was the effect of too much punch, but the previous evening played out in her mind in painful beats, each wasted tear from the night before a booming throb in her head now.

She nearly called out from work, but Plutt would only accuse her of having a hangover and punish her with overtime for trying to ditch her responsibilities.

If she was honest with herself, however, Rey would admit that her not wanting to leave her flat had little to do with work, and more to do with the six-foot-something neighbor she had ripped to shreds the night before. Maybe if she never left home, the fact she had said so many vicious things to a near-stranger in front of all his friends would disappear. Everyone must have heard her accusations and the likelihood that she would fade from their memories as that-girl-they-met-at-a-party-that-one-time was slim to none. 

He pushed her to go so far, she defended to herself. He had  _ played  _ with her feelings and Rey wouldn’t ever be the person that could turn their cheek and forgive. Not after spending her life as a punching bag for everyone around her--her foster parents, the other foster kids, the mother and father whose faces were shadowed in her memories with the passage of time--she’d stopped accepting the unforgivable actions of others long before Ben. 

When she couldn’t justify laying in bed all day, Rey finally forced herself through her morning routine. She actually felt a little okay after taking a shower and scrubbing off what remained of her makeup. 

He wasn’t waiting for her out in the hallway like she half-anticipated, ready with a rebuke of his own. She would have crumbled under the weight of what he could have said back.  _ Who do you think you are? What makes you think I’d even  _ want _ someone like you? You’re nothing special. You’re no one. _

But that didn’t happen. When she stepped out into the crisp, sunny morning, it was as if nothing had happened at all. Rey spent the entire day waiting for the other shoe to drop, sick to her stomach with anxiety that he’d somehow find her workplace and storm in to retaliate in front of her coworkers and boss, who thought little of her as it was. Instead, she finished rewiring a Kitchen Aid that had given Plutt trouble and was sent home an hour early so he didn’t have to feel embarrassed that a girl  _ dared  _ to succeed him (he’d lick his wounds and pretend nothing happened by her next shift).

It felt as if it could even be a  _ nice  _ day, rare as those were until reality crashed back down on her all over again. On the front steps of her walk-up sat a sheepish looking Rose, twiddling her thumbs as she waited. For  _ Rey.  _

She stopped in her tracks, her lungs closing in panic. Rey hadn’t even thought about his  _ fiancee.  _ Her muscles clenched in preparation for the oncoming onslaught, triggering her fight-or-flight response. Not even a little bit ashamed that she was prepared to flee down the sidewalk to avoid this, she sucked in shuddering breath, instantly searching for the path of least resistance--and her most likely way of escape.

“Wait,” Rose said, swaying back onto her feet. She must have been sitting there for a while. “Please don’t go. I need to apologize. Or maybe explain a few things.”

Rey blinked back, stunned by the thought that Rose felt any need to apologize.

“Come with me to get some coffee?” Rose asked. “I’m paying.”

Rey frowned, trying to step around her. “No, I...I just want to go home.”

She persisted, undeterred by Rey’s refusal. “I promise you, it’s not what you think. I feel partly responsible for what happened last night, can’t I make it up to you?” 

Rey mulled it over. Rose didn’t seem as furious and offended as she should have been. In fact, she sounded guilty.

“Okay,” she said, hesitant to agree.

“There’s a great little place around the corner,” Rose smiled, leading the way.

Rey ordered some fancy white tea with _Asian pear_ _essence_ in it, whatever the hell that was supposed to mean, and Rose got a small coffee before handing over the cash and stealing an open table for two.

First and foremost, Rose elaborated, “I’m not engaged to Ben.”

She whipped out her phone a second later, showing off a selfie of herself and a face she recognized from the party-- _ Finn.  _

“He dragged me up an actual mountain top to pop the question because his best friend told him to, and I quote, ‘propose like a man.’ He does dumb stuff like that sometimes but that’s probably why I agreed to marry him,” she said, explaining the gorgeous cliffside background of the picture. 

Rey could only whisper, “Oh.”

Every synapsis in her brain was firing off, moments from the night before connecting in ways she could never have recognized while so worked up. Shame swelled in her gut, rising like bile. She swallowed it back as Rose continued.

“When I first met Ben, he would always say bullshit like,” Rose’s face scrunched up as she deepened her voice, “‘other guys can’t stand being around a true alpha’ and that was why he didn’t have friends that were boys. It might have been kind of true, he can definitely be intimidating when he wants to be, but I think he’s always just felt less threatened around girls.”

Rose huffed a laugh to herself. “He’d probably hate that I told you that, though. He was a dick before we all beat him into shape, but most boys think dumb things before college. He’s grown a lot since then.”

“Oh,” Rey repeated, her heart twisting sharply. What has she done?

“He does better with guy-friends now, but for a long time, it was just him and all of us.”

“Oh my god.”

Rey raised a hand to her mouth in horror.

“No, wait, Rey...you... _ well,  _ to be honest, I’ve never seen someone rip him a new one quite like  _ that  _ before. But--”

She felt the tears gathering again, her throat quickly tightening--

“I shouldn’t have just dragged you to our party like that. I’m sorry I shoved you in there without really saying anything and expecting you two to just hit it off. I should have let Ben do things in his own time--he’s reminded me that at least ten times today--but I was sick of him doing  _ nothing  _ and...I thought I was just moving things along.”

“He must hate me…” Rey croaked, burying her face in her hands. She shouldn’t care, he was just a man that lived in her building, but she remembered the first few times she had seen Ben, and how her heart would beat out of her chest as they passed in the hallways. How utterly defeated she had felt the first time she overheard him with another woman, laughing freely in a way no has ever laughed with her. Because it had been foolish to even _hope_ that _a_ man like him would notice her.

“Oh, god, he probably wishes I was  _ dead. _ ”

“No!” Rose asserted, “No, trust me. This isn’t the first time someone has assumed things about our friend group...though no one’s been quite as creative before.”

“All of the things I said to him…he has to be furious...”

Rose didn’t deny it.

“I was so awful,” Rey whimpered, “I’ve never spoken to someone like that in my life and he--he was just--he didn’t even say anything, he just--all because I can’t--”

“Hey, hey, hey,” Rose interrupted her jumbled rambling.

Rey tried to just breathe, panting slightly as she realized how much attention their conversation was garnering. Someone would start whispering  _ what’s wrong with her  _ at any moment and--

“Rey, are you okay?”

_ No.  _ No, she wasn’t. Rey wasn’t able to force the words out but Rose seemed to understand, wordlessly ushering her away from their ignored drinks and into the small, cafe bathroom. Rey allowed herself to be shepherded to the toilet and sat there despondently, her eyes trailing the lines of grout on the tiled bathroom wall without seeing. Rose placed a wet paper towel against her cheek, drawing her out of her stupor.

“Do you…” Rose searched for the right thing to say, “Do you have anything you could take?”

Nodding, Rey fumbled with her purse, her fingers clumsy as she scoured the loose bits and bobs before the tell-tale rattle of pills in a bottle echoed in the bathroom. She hated taking them--she never quite knew when the right time was, only that it would douse the overwhelming panic--they always put her right to sleep and weren’t of much use if she had an attack while out of the house. Regardless, she popped open the bottle of  _ Alprazolam  _ and swallowed the small dose she had been prescribed dry, grimacing. __

Rose had very little to say as she helped her back home and Rey could only be thankful she withheld her judgment, at least to her face. She crumpled onto her couch, unable to make it to her bed, and Rose was kind enough to cover her with the throw blanket before she left with a murmur.

  
  


“If you can, you should talk to Ben.”

Her parting words seemed to echo in the endless fog of Rey’s dreams.

* * *

It was almost one in the morning. No one in their right mind bangs on their neighbor’s door at one in the morning. But the  _ Alprazolam  _ had worn off and now that she was awake, her mind swirled with thoughts, trying to untangle her memories of the last two days. All she wanted was to say how  _ sorry  _ she was but even she could recognize how crazy she would look, knocking on his door right now.

She could remember how pale Ben’s face had become as she shouted at him, and how she had assumed he looked at her like that because he was a coward being forced to hear the truth. She needed to apologize, profusely, but couldn’t imagine he wanted to hear anything more she had to say. Whatever interest, or curiosity, or maybe pity he had felt for her had surely been quashed by her thoughtless tongue.

Rey distracted herself by making macaroni and cheese from a box, busying herself with the simple directions until she had something even better to keep her attention: a bowl of elbows, milk, butter, and overly orange cheese flavoring. But even after eating a large bowl, she was still hyper-focused on Ben, lurking somewhere alone in his apartment, mulling over what Rey had said.

She fell back into a fitful sleep an hour later, tossing and turning as she waited for dawn.

* * *

When Rey woke again, it was still too early to be bothering a neighbor. She sent a text to Plutt insisting she needed to call out sick for the day but still went through the motions of her daily ablutions. 

It was a little past five by the time she had showered and dressed, and she brewed a pot of coffee to settle into her morning nook, which was really no more than a low shelf beneath her living room window adorned in plush pillows and fluffy blankets for comfort’s sake. The glass pane was frigid in the late autumn morning but she curled up against it to watch as Ben emerged for his early run. He still wore little more than a pair of runner’s shorts as he burst into the chilly air, his face and chest flushing pink from the cold.

Rey had fantasized about joining him more than once, but she wasn’t much of a runner and could only picture him jogging around her in circles, impatient for her to catch up to his speed. Besides, she wasn’t so interested in the exercise as she was in seeing him half-nude. He was so dedicated to his practice though, he would probably be insulted.

Rey sighed, admiring the way his muscles strained and bulged as he disappeared down the street, following his usual route around the corner and out of sight. When he returned, she would confront him again.

But he didn’t return after an hour. Or even after two. And Rey knew he couldn’t have gone anywhere else, considering what he had been wearing as he left. People took the no shirt, no service rule seriously in this city. Maybe he knew Rose had told her to talk to him and was trying to avoid seeing her. Rey wouldn’t blame him if that was the case.

It was nearly noon by the time she heard him shuffling past her door, his heavy footsteps thudding all the way down the hall until he disappeared into his own flat. Enough time had passed that Rey had talked herself into a nervous tizzy again. But she knew she shouldn’t wait--the longer she did, the more anxious she would feel and the less likely she would have the courage to apologize. 

For a moment, she thought it would be better to write him a letter, for the sake of eloquence at least, but she knew that was just another way for her to continue running and hiding from what she really wanted-- _ him. _

Because she did really like him, despite how she acted at his Halloween party. She had surely destroyed what little chance she had with him, but...for once, she was going to be brave.

Rey steeled herself, checking the mirror to be sure all was in place, and finally emerged from her apartment. The walk down the hall seemed to be miles long, her heart thudding in her chest the closer she approached. Gnawing on her inner cheek, she knocked on his front door. 

It opened a minute later. He was as shirtless as ever, regardless of the early November chill, and her eyes darted about, trying to find an appropriate place to settle at. Then she saw his displeased expression.

“It’s you,” he muttered.

She flinched at his tone, though Rey knew she deserved it.

“Yeah. Me.”

They stood at a stalemate for several moments, and Rey wrung her hands as he stared her down.

“Did you want something?” he asked at length.

“I…” Rey swallowed. “I wanted to apologize. Please.”

He released a long, heartfelt sigh and looked at her as if he might regret it. “Sure. Come in.”

His flat was just as neat and organized as it had been the night of his party, though his furniture had been shifted back from the walls to fill the room properly.

“You can sit,” he said, walking into the kitchen. “Do you want coffee? Tea?”

Rey shook her head vehemently, then remembering that he couldn’t see her with his back turned. “I wouldn’t want to inconvenience you.”

She couldn’t understand why he would bother playing the role of a polite host when he must have been furious with her.

“Hmm.”

She sat at the corner of his sofa, closest to where his front door was. He went about making a pot of coffee regardless, returning to his living space almost ten minutes later with matching mugs. She took the proffered cup of coffee, wrapping both of her hands around the mug to soak in its calming warmth.

“Well?” He hinted impatiently, sitting on the coffee table directly across from her.

_ Right.  _ Of course. She had come here for a reason. She bit her lower lip, avoiding his gaze. Rey didn’t know where to start. The beginning, she supposed would be best.

“I shouldn’t have assumed that--that you--”

“That I’m an asshole that fucks around with a...what did you call it? A sex club?” he huffed.

She nodded her head in shame, cringing at having her own insult thrown back at her. “And I shouldn’t have made those accusations in front of all your friends.”

“No,” he agreed, “you shouldn’t have. If you had just  _ talked  _ to me, I would have made myself clear.”

She bristled, feeling defensive. “I know I didn’t go about it right, but how was I supposed to know when you look like... _ you  _ and you’re always surrounded by pretty women?”

“Are you trying to insult me now?” he snarled. “What do you mean, I look like me?”

She had told herself she would be brave.  _ This  _ was her entire purpose in coming here to speak with him. Rey tried to blink back the tears pooling in her eyes, on the verge of spilling down her cheeks.

“That...that’s not what I meant,” she whispered, a painful lump forming in her throat. “I just mean...you...you’re beautiful. And tall, and strong, and I’m  _ me.  _ Plain, boring, me. I didn’t think you even knew I existed. It--It made sense that you’d be surrounded by other beautiful people. That they would want you, too.”

“Too?” he repeated slowly.

She tipped her head forward, unwilling to let him see her cry. “I should go. I don’t want to take up any more of your time. I just--I’m really,  _ really  _ sorry.”

Rey heard the quiet  _ clunk  _ of his mug being set down. A moment later, he coaxed her coffee from her hold to place it aside, taking her hands so that her knuckles rested in the curve of his larger palms, his thumbs gently stroking the inside of her hand.

“Rey,” he murmured.

Her shoulders slumped, her face falling further.

“Rey, look at me.”

She shook her head, her heart thudding in her chest. “I can’t.”

“You can,” he insisted quietly. “Rey, please.”

When she didn’t move, he admitted, “The only reason I threw that stupid party was so I could invite you...I didn’t think  _ you  _ noticed  _ me,”  _ he continued, his hands trembling as he held hers. “You’re the most gorgeous woman I’ve ever seen.”

Her eyes shot upwards to meet his, her heartbeat thumping faster and faster; she thought it might burst through her chest.

“That...doesn’t make sense,” she whispered, but his eyes were so soft, staring back into hers with an emotion she couldn’t recognize. “I’m nobody. No one ever wants me.”

Still holding her hands, he moved to sit next to her on the couch, their thighs pressed together.

“That isn’t true,” he said.  _ “I  _ want you. I’ve wanted you since the day we met, but you were so independent, you didn’t need me around to hold you back.”

Rey couldn’t breathe. Her mind kept spinning in confusion,  _ nothing  _ he said made any sense. Why would he want her? No one had before...did he not see how ugly her broken parts were? Couldn’t he see how all the jagged edges didn’t fit, that they scraped against each other until everything festered with deadly infection?

“You’re wrong,” she said, her voice cracking. “It’s been me, on my own, for so long that I don’t know how to  _ be  _ around people. I can’t--Ben, I can’t let anyone in. It’ll just hurt more when they leave, just like everyone else has. I can’t go through that again.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” he told her firmly.

“You can’t know that,” she insisted. “You’ll get bored of me, or realize I’m just a crazy mess who can’t function like a normal person, or--”

“Fuck normal.”

“You don’t mean that--”

“I do.  _ Fuck  _ being normal. Do you think I’m normal?”

Her face grew hot as she gaped at him. “Wha…?”

“I can’t even tell my cute neighbor that I like her without some dumb, convoluted plan to get her to talk to me.”

“But--”

“Wait here.” 

He released her hands and stomped away, turning into his bedroom. Rey heard him rustling around, her ears straining to hear the faint, familiar rattling of pills in a bottle. Ben emerged with multiple bottles. He crouched between the coffee table and sofa, presenting each one with a flourish. She blinked down at the labels.

_ Lexapro. _

_ Abilify. _

_ Trazodone.  _

And finally, 

_ Alprazolam. _

Rey looked back up at him, stunned by this revelation.

“If you’re crazy, then so am I. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety when I was sixteen. Most of my teenage years, I was angry at everyone and everything, even the people who cared for me and only wanted to help. I wasn’t a person worth knowing. I was ignorant. I was fed a lot of sexist, racist ideas by the few people my age who could stand being around me, and I ate it up because otherwise, where else could I go? I’d have no one.”

He inhaled sharply before releasing his breath slowly. 

“It was bad. My mom eventually gave me an ultimatum: she would only pay my college tuition if I minored in Women’s Studies. I tried to find a way around it but my grades weren’t high enough to get through on scholarships alone. That first class in my Freshman year was where I met Rose and Jessika and Phasma--the tall one--and honestly, they kicked my ass that semester. But somehow, by the end of it, they had become my friends against all odds. I changed a lot because of it.

“Eventually, I found the right psychiatrist and the right combination of medications to be able to function. But believe me when I say I’m the furthest thing from normal. And that being normal is overrated.”

Rey was silent as she processed his confession. 

“Why are you telling me this?”

He shrugged, looking down at his empty hands. “Because you’re not alone. Not if you don’t want to be.”

Rey couldn’t stop the way her heart thrummed with excitement. She didn’t want to be alone anymore, and for the first time in her life, someone was choosing  _ her  _ above anyone else. She had so much more she needed to say, but her throat was tightening in a way she hadn’t experienced before. It wasn’t the anxiety she was so familiar with. But it was powerful,  _ overwhelming,  _ and her limbs seemed to move against her will as she slipped onto the floor beside him to find his gaze.

“Ben...I…” she didn’t know what to say and words seemed so shallow when compared to everything she felt at that moment.

Rey let her fingertips graze over his smooth cheek. Speechless, she rose onto her knees before him, leaning forward to lightly touch her lips to his. It wasn’t a full kiss, not until he sighed, pressing closer to her so that their mouths flattened against each other.

His touch was delicate as he curled a hand around the back of her neck to angle her face, his nose jutting into her cheek as he deepened the kiss. Ben hummed as he cautiously brushed his tongue along the swell of her bottom lip, and Rey welcomed him in with a shuddering gasp, tasting the rich coffee he had been drinking on his tongue. His buzzing hum morphed into a throaty growl as he delved into her, and she could feel it down to her toes, filling her with an unknown heat.

Ben sucked on her lower lip as he pulled away leisurely, surrendering her mouth with a slick  _ pop.  _

She shivered as he nipped his way along her jawline to mumble in her ear, “I want to keep doing this. I want even more. But only if you want this too, Rey.”

  
It was too easy for her to reveal, “Me too. I want  _ everything  _ with you.”


	3. epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to thank everyone for all your delightful comments. It really is an inspiration. So, enjoy the smuttening! I went for a light-hearted ending for these two. :)

_ Three Weeks Later _

  
  


“Are you sure it won’t be awkward?” Rey asked for the umpteenth time, leafing through her select few options for semi-formal wear. 

This was her first real holiday dinner and she’d be damned before she showed up looking like a fool. More importantly, it was her first holiday with Ben, and she was determined to make it the best Thanksgiving they ever had.

“Well, maybe a little. At first. But Rose already loves you and has started planning our wedding--”

_ “Ben!”  _ she giggled, looking over her shoulder to where he sat on the edge of her bed. “You’re supposed to make me feel better, not  _ more  _ nervous.”

He shrugged, unconcerned.

“You don’t have anything to worry about, I promise. Unless Phasma decides she wants a piece of you, but I’ll fight her to the death if I have to.”

Rey snorted, shaking her head. “Please be serious. Besides, I thought you said she was dating Katelyn.”

“Kaydel,” he corrected, pausing in thought. “Rey, if this is making you too anxious, we don’t have to go. My friends will understand.”

She shook her head. “No. I want to go. It’s just...they saw what a mess I was on Halloween. They’ll probably be bracing for impact the moment I arrive.”

“I  _ promise  _ they won’t be. Are you sure you don’t want to take  _ Alprazolam  _ before we go? You could try half a dose.”

She sighed. “I thought about it, but I really don’t want to sleep through dinner. Now help me figure out what to wear.”

He pushed himself off her bed, catching her waist with both hands and resting his chin on her shoulder. 

“Mmm, you should wear that mustard velvet dress.”

Rey pulled the dress in question forward, with its deep plunge and long slit up its wrap skirt, and huffed. She had worn it on their second date, after Rose gave it to her because it ‘didn’t fit her figure quite right.’ Rey still suspected Rose had bought it for her outright, knowing it would drive Ben wild.

“Ben, this is  _ way  _ too sexy for dinner with friends. Everyone will be looking at my tits.”

“It is just the right amount of sexy for dinner with friends. Besides, your tits are cute and how else am I going to be able to touch your thighs under the table while eating turkey?”

He gripped one thigh through her jeans for emphasis.

Rey laughed despite herself. “I’m sensing an ulterior motive here.”

“Of course. I’m being entirely self-serving.”

She rolled her eyes. “I don’t know. I feel like everyone would be looking at me. Isn’t it too dressy?”

“No. Not at all. But if you’re really that nervous...I have an idea.”

Her breath hitched as the hand on her thigh shifted to cup her sex.

“Ben…” she whimpered. “Don’t tease me. We have to be at Rose’s in less than an hour.”

She squealed when he flicked his tongue at her earlobe in response, his chest rumbling against her back as he drew her away from her open closet and towards her bed.

“We’ll be fashionably late.”

Rey’s answering scoff melted into a telling moan as he lifted her up to settle into the bed together, his heavy body easing into the cradle of her open thighs. He felt so  _ right  _ above her, crushing her slightly in a way that jump-started her pulse and quickened her breath.

“There’s no such thing,” she mumbled, slipping her arms around his shoulders to drag him closer still, her chin jutting up to meet his hurried kiss. It may have been contradictory, but she was unable to resist him when he was curled above her and willing to give her everything.

“I’m so hungry,” he grumbled, nipping her through her t-shirt between her breasts and down her belly, pulling the thin cotton up to blow raspberries against her navel. She shrieked with laughter, shoving his head further down, her fingers clenching his dark hair in anticipation.

Ben popped the button of her jeans and yanked them down her hips gracelessly, taking her panties with it. Once they cleared her feet, his large, warm hands pressed her thighs up, exposing her cleft to his scrutinous gaze.

“Mmmm,” he hummed softly. “Gobble, gobble, gobble.”

She didn’t have the opportunity to voice her retort, or even give him an exaggerated  _ ew,  _ his mouth latching onto her lower lips and his tongue curling into her. Rey gasped as he suckled her labia wetly, groaning into her slickened flesh in a way she could feel deep in her center. A rush of arousal spilled over his chin and he tore himself away for a moment, his dark eyes fixed intently on hers as he licked his lips.

_ “More,”  _ she pleaded, her voice cracking.

He quickly obliged, his tongue slipping up the length of her slit to circle around her clit, drawing a surprised shout from her chest.

“Yes!” she cried, her head falling back helplessly. “Just like that. Make me come,  _ please,  _ Ben!”

He did, with much gusto. She whimpered and strained her hips against him as he lapped at her sensitized clit over and over again, not stopping until her mouth dropped into a silent scream, every muscle in her body tensing as her pussy throbbed, empty and needy.

“That was beautiful, Sweetheart,” he breathed, giving one, final lick that made her hips jolt upwards. “But I think you need to come again for me. Do you think you can handle that?”

He kicked off his own jeans as she fumbled with his maroon sweater, his thick cock jutting forward to graze through her wetness. The rounded head of his length jabbed at her drenched clit insistently and Rey clawed his bare shoulders, her rounded nails digging into his skin. He shivered against her, grunting at the pleasurable shock of pain.

“Fuck me, Ben,” she simpered, rolling her hips desperately. “I need to feel you inside--”

His cock glided into her with a smooth motion, filling her cunt inch by inch until there was no more space for him to take, no room for her to so much as  _ breathe.  _ He was everywhere--in her belly, piercing through her lungs, pushing the air from her throat--and it was nearly more than she could bear.  _ Nearly. _

“You feel so good,” he growled, continuing to rock in and out of her at a steady pace. “Such a pretty little cunt you have, Rey. So warm, so _wet,_ I could live in it. I could _drown_ in it.”

“Faster,” she panted.  _ “Harder!” _

“Anything,” he gasped back. “Anything you want, Sweetheart, it’s yours.”

He consumed her with a breathless kiss, thrusting into her with more momentum until she could feel him pounding against her cervix. It was so much she thought he might kill her, but it was a death she longed for, every nerve on fire and waiting for the inevitable explosion of light and sensation. His tongue swiped past her parted lips in time with each shuddering heave of his dick into her pussy, overwhelming her.

She was almost there, the impending combustion nearing with every thrust of his heavy cock. Rey could feel the initial tingling of an orgasm in her core, threatening to flood the rest of her with blinding pleasure. She wasn’t ready for it, she wanted this to last forever, or at least until neither of them could move for exhaustion.

Some part of her knew they didn’t have time for a long fuck, but Rey was beyond the point of caring. Everything was  _ Ben,  _ and how it felt to be split open on his cock, and how much more she needed from him.

“Ben,” she wailed, “I’m-- _ I’m--” _

“Fuck, Rey,” he said, his cock twitching within her, “do it. Come all over my dick. I wanna feel how good this is for you-- _ Fuck!” _

She fluttered around him at his filthy encouragement, her cunt clamping around him until he had no choice but to stay inside her as she tightly milked him. The warmth of his spend soothed her as it surged into her in viscous spurts, filling her up to the point of spilling over.

“Fuck,” he repeated in a slur, the weight of his body crushing hers deliciously, his cock softening within her. “I don’t think...I’ll ever...get used to that. ‘S too perfect.”

She smiled to herself, asking with a shy tone, “Yeah?”

“Mmmhmm.”

He rolled them over just enough to lay side by side, their sweat-dampened foreheads tipping together as they breathed from each other.

Rey lifted her head to catch a glance at the clock on her bedside table. 

“We’re late already,” she sighed.

He pulled her back to him to cover her cheeks with affectionate, butterfly kisses. 

“I guess you’ll just have to wear the dress I chose, then.”

Rey shook her head, patting his chest. “If you say so.”

As they basked in the afterglow, he was even able to convince her to forgo her underwear.

  
  
  



End file.
